3 weeks, 5 months, 5 years; when I look down the road and reflect on today I truly wonder what I will remember. Our 20 week ultrasound happened this morning at 21 weeks 3days.
I have been looking forward to today since I found out that I was pregnant. Convinced I was having a boy; I nearly persuaded everyone, except my husband, that our next baby would, in fact, be a boy.
Many measurements later, and a possible penis sighting, our next baby revealed herself. In that moment I was flooded with emotions that I hadn’t anticipated. I suddenly grasped the fact that Aisley would have a sister; a sister!! I couldn’t have been happier. The ultrasound tech printed out some pictures and kept some for herself and handed the rest over to me. We had our regular checkup scheduled to follow the Ultrasound. Back in the waiting room our party of 11 began to disperse and go their own ways. I quickly texted some friends and family and then jumped on Facebook to alert the world of this fantastic news!
20 minutes later…
Joe and I were called back with Aisley and sat waiting for the doctor. At one point I looked at him and said, “hmm, I hope everything is okay”.
He said he got a weird feeling when we were getting the ultrasound done. Before anything more could be discussed my doctor comes in. She sits down and continues to tell us how well the baby is measuring and I start to relax; wishing that my overactive preggo head would stop going crazy. And then I hear the words: cyst, ventricle (to this I say, heart and she says no, brain), 7mm. I also hear her say that she believes that the baby is absolutely fine, but that she does have to warn me that some people consider these cysts to be “soft markers” for Chromosomal Abnormalities. These abnormalities can come in the form of Down’s Syndrome or more commonly associated with these cysts is Edward’s Syndrome also known as trisomy 18.
We listened to our little girls heartbeat and Joe took Aisley for a walk around the office. I kept wanting to hold on to the happiness of the “It’s a Girl” moment. A slight darkness gathered. The next step is a 3D ultrasound. Hopefully answers will come soon.
I don’t do well with worry, perhaps that is the why and the how that my faith has grown. Giving it to God allows me to know that I will walk with Grace through this no matter the outcome. Chances are and statistically speaking everything is fine. The cyst will resolve itself in the next couple of weeks and all of this will be a memory kept in the part of my heart where gratitude is stored.
Right now I am recalling old conversations had with my mom, with Joe, with friends. I remember vividly being in my 6th grade gym class when this thought suddenly struck me: I hoped that if God was going to offer someone a baby with Down’s Syndrome, I hoped the child would be given to me; for I would love them more than anyone else. My worry now comes not in the form that I don’t understand why God would do this to me, but more so that I know exactly why God chose me and chose this family. So then, I begin to wonder if there is even a chance of our daughter not having this abnormality.
My belief is strong and my faith stronger in the Power which would have prepared us for this journey.
I feel grief in a small way today. I feel it for having a slight cloud cover the beautiful news that I am carrying a baby girl. I am growing Aisley’s baby sister. I wished I would have had a bit longer without fear and without worry. But I was offered a quiet reprieve and for that I am grateful.
For those of you who pray please include us in those prayers, and those who send good thoughts please send some our way.
